The Truth about Sarcasm

I was pointed to a Wall Street Journal article by a friend Julie Robinson, who also happens to be my wife’s boss and is married to Dr. Peter Kosizek. The article, entitled “People Love Your Sarcasm, Really” talked about how sarcasm may or may not always be the most effective way of relating with people. When it’s expressed between friends, even co-workers, it can be positive IF they know each other well enough. One of the people quoted in the article noted that by using sarcasm, “you are saying, ‘I trust you. I am bringing you into the inner circle.’" But you can only say the opposite of what you really mean if you know the person is going to understand you. In a relationship where you don’t know each other well, it can be disastrous.

One of the interesting points that Julie and I talked about, and was just barely touched on in the article, is that when people in positions of authority use it is generally not considered positive. The reason is that when sarcasm is used in an unequal relationship, they are in no position to provide a comeback to you and say “what do you mean by that” or “I’m really not in the mood for your snarky remarks today.” In a relationship with a spouse or a friend they can do that.

For example, as physician, if you tell your M.A. “Thanks for keeping my schedule light today” when that isn’t the case, they’re going to wonder, "Is he being serious?" or "does he want me to increase his office visits?" Or suppose you greet your patient Mr. Jones with the remark “Oh, I can see you’ve been working out” when he clearly hasn’t, he is going to wonder if that is a compliment or if he needs to adjust his behavior.  

I know the temptation as the boss may be to use humor and sarcasm as a way of saying something indirectly in order to avoid difficult conversations, but it rarely works. The employee who has really bad B.O. simply is not going to cue in on a comment like “Hey, what kind of cologne do you have on today? I really like that scent.” In those cases, I’d encourage you to use a more direct but gentle approach like, “This is really hard for me to share, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But I think it’s important for you to know… that people are avoiding you because of your body odor.”

Speaking of cutting remarks, did you know that that is literally what sarcasm means from its Greek roots. Sarx, meaning flesh, and –chasm meaning gap/opening roughly translated to “a cutting or tearing of the flesh.” You have to know the difference between drawing emotional blood with your words or if your comment is taken as a friendly verbal punch in the shoulder. 

Recognize that different people have boundaries of different types, whether they have fragile self-identities or people with Asperger's who don’t know how to read into non-verbal cues very well and often take words at face value. (i.e. "Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast.") And be ready to apologize if you’re trying to use humor and sarcasm to bond with people. If you drew blood accidentally, it's the least you can do to heal a wound.

Take a moment and reflect on the last time you used sarcasm to communicate and it didn't go well.